Needs
by Uyuki
Summary: Chase's thoughts after the event in Finding Judas.


**Notes: **Okay, I don't own House (I wish I did though, at least Chase). English is not my mother tongue, so there might be mistakes somwhere, I try my best to correct them, but I still miss things.

I did this in the spur of the moment, so it might not make all that much sense... still, I've read it again and again and I can't change anything because I can't think of anything else.

The piece of song in the begining belongs to Damien Rice, the song is called "Volcano".

* * *

**Needs**

By Uyuki

_What I am to you is not real_

_What I am to you, you do not need_

_What I am to you is not what you mean to me_

_You do not need me_

You don't need me. You never had.

When you first hired me, three years ago, I thought that I must've been really good for you to hire me. I was only 25 years old and I barely had experience. I was thrilled to get the job that quick, but not much later I found out that you hired me only because my dad made a phone call.

I even consider the possibility to turn down the job, since you so obviously didn't actually need an intensivist, nevertheless I stayed, I figured that at least I could make the most out of it, as long as I could.

For a whole year, you made me miserable, always mocking my ideas, my hair, even my accent which you so eagerly call British. But all that was okay, because I was you only intern at the moment, so everything you needed I had to do it. And I knew how much you hated to visit patients and run tests, so there was no chance at all that you'd fire me.

But then, you hired another intern, a beautiful immunologist called Allison Cameron, and suddenly half of the job was not mine anymore, and I also noticed the way your eyes always trailed off to her, the way you would always look at her. You liked her since the moment she crossed the door for the interview. And I can't blame you for that, she is indeed very pretty.

During six months, I had to be more clever with the ideas I presented during the differentials, because it was harder for me to get your attention. Is not that I was jealous of her, but I didn't wan to loose my job just because you liked her more, I needed you to notice me. I needed you to need me. And somehow, I manage to do so.

Until you hired your third intern, a neurologist called Eric Foreman. And everything collapsed. You didn't need me anymore.

She was prettier. You liked her.

He was smarter. You needed him.

I was just a 26 year old doctor that was way too young for your needs.

So I did what I need in order to protect my job. I tried very hard to come up with clever ideas to treat patients. I started to think way outside the box like you do to provide the alternatives Foreman and Cameron would never think of.

I would even agree with your insane ideas and put them in practice even it they were unethical.

Yet, when Vogler came along, and when he asked you to cut one of us, you were going to fire me. I just knew it since you announced that you had to do it. That's why I never played along with Cameron of Foreman, who thought that if we stayed together nothing would happen.

I knew that wasn't true. I knew that you never needed me. I knew I was going to be fired.

That's why I did all that nasty stuff to you, why I ratted you out, even when I really didn't want to do it, because I actually like you.

But I needed to save my job. I like my job.

I was willing to endure any punishment you decided for me, as long as I didn't have to go. Up till now, I'm still paying for that. You don't trust me. You can't.

What I found funny, is that, after all that, you seemed to expect me to agree with you all the time, not that I didn't, but when I refused to do something, you got mad.

It was like you expected me to do all the "illegal" stuff for you, to be your accomplice. You would even ask me for vicodin scripts when Wilson said no, and I gave them to you, telling to myself that you really needed them, that you weren't an addict. But deep into my soul I knew the truth.

Now that Tritter is here, things are repeating themselves again. Everyone thinks I've ratted you out again, but I haven't, I don't want to do that again, it was a mistake the first time and I'm not stupid enough to make it again.

But apparently it really doesn't matter what I do, I'll never get your approval. I just solved a case in a very House-ish way, and the only thing I got was a punch in my face for telling you that you were wrong.

My face is still swollen, the bruise is bigger and everyone keeps staring at it, wondering what happened.

I can't force myself to hate you, because I don't. It doesn't matter if you punch me again, you'll always be someone I believe in… maybe, since I never had a father figure I'm transferring things into you. Whatever the case I'll look up to you.

But you'll keep looking at me as an employee, and nothing more.

You're never going to need me.

I just wonder how much of it I can take before I finally break.

I just wonder how much you'll push, until you break me.

In the meantime, I'll keep working for you.


End file.
